Gravitating Towards Healing

Things have been getting better even though they have become much worse on some fronts. But something feels better to me now, a calmness has set in I didn't have 2 or 3 years back. An acceptance of whatever life has in store for me. I don't feel like I need to prove myself to anyone. I am getting more and more comfortable in my own skin. I think this is called healing the whole person or something. What difference does language make here?

I seem to enjoy regular every day encounters a lot more than I used to. I also have less tolerance for drama queens. And kings. Men and women so deeply damaged everything is a crisis every minute of the day, every conflict met with gnashing of teeth and pulling of hair. Every scenario an end of the world one. But even for them I have tolerance and compassion. Just at a good distance.

I recently spent five days with someone so deeply damaged that every word coming out of her mouth felt like a bullet aimed to kill. It was a huge challenge for me because I had no choice but to put up with her. I was trapped in a no win situation that would only worsen for me if I did not find a way to get through it. I did.  I survived. I am a survivor. Of this I have little doubt.

I am back online looking at men's profiles. There are not too many that interest me. I need someone with a high level of intelligence, someone who is worldly, someone who is sexually experienced, someone who has his own bank account. In other words I need an adult. You can tell a lot of these men on dating sites are still little boys wanting a mom to help them grow up. There's nothing sexy about these men to me. Nothing luring me into a new life with a guy who will pull me down, not lift me up. I mean why waste my time?

I no longer care if a guy is 10, 15, 20 years younger. Age has nothing to do with whether or not I am compatible with someone. I find I am often compatible with men who are younger. They sometimes seem less damaged with less scar tissue. Sometimes. 

So that's it. It's a rainy Saturday morning. I am about to make a cup of coffee and read a book. I'm happy. Life is good. It really is. It... really... is.